


Fear can only grow in darkness

by PotentialOfSurprise



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 12:56:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17284472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PotentialOfSurprise/pseuds/PotentialOfSurprise
Summary: Levi has a hard time coping with the death of his trauma patient.





	Fear can only grow in darkness

_Don't you wish you could just take it back? That thing you said? That thing you did? There's no undo button. There's only hoping we can learn. We can change, right? We can do better. We can't take back what we've done. We can't undo the past, cause the future keeps coming at us. ~ Meredith Grey_

 

 

Heartburn. The patient was just experiencing simple heartburn. Until he wasn’t.

 

Levi wrapped his white coat even tighter around himself as he sat in the corner of the supply closet. It was pitch black, the heavy door blocking out every ray of the artificial hospital lights in the hallway. Levi kept repeating the events of the last two hours in his head. Heartburn, respiratory distress, flatline. Heartburn, respiratory distress, flatline.

Tears were rolling down Levi’s face. His first night shift on trauma and he had not been able to save… no he had killed his patient. It was all his fault. Where did he go wrong? Heartburn, respi- His train of thought got cut off by the heartbreaking image of those two young children desperatly clinging onto their mother. And Levi didn’t even have the decency to tell the woman that he had lost her husband, the father of her children. He had left Dr. Hunt to do his dirty work and instead hid himself in a supply closet to bawl his eyes out. And to think he actually thought he could be a doctor, what a joke.

His mind went back to the wife and children. He had ruined their lives. Tears rolled down rapidly as he realized all the things those children would have to do without their father. His breathing became labored and Levi promised himself he would never touch another patient again. He had made a big mistake, he had missed something. But he still couldn’t figure out where it went downhill so quickly. He had checked his heart rate, blood pressure and asked all the right questions. Or didn’t he? Levi began to rewind everything again step by step, becoming more agitated by the minute as things were all so foggy.

The door opened and a shadow appeared to be scanning the room. “There you are, I’ve been looking all over for-.. Babe? Levi? Are you okay?” Nico quickly crouched down in front of his boyfriend and wiped his tears away with his tumbs. “Breath baby” Nico looked with eyes full of concern, stroking Levi’s cheek with on hand while checking his pulse with the other. Levi was progressing into a full on panic attack and was having difficulty taking in enough air, his head getting fuzzy.

Nico got up and searched frantically for a plastic bag. Sickness bag in hand he made his way back to his distressed boyfriend and got down next to him. “Breath into this, slow deep breaths” He placed the bag over Levi’s mouth, watching him worriedly “In one-two-three and out two-three” Nico breathed exaggerating, urging Levi to follow his lead.

After a few minutes Levi’s breaths slowed down and he tried to shake off the bag, feeling exhausted.

Nico let him take one more breath for good measure and then wrapped him in a hug “shh baby I’ve got you. Let it all out” That send Levi over the edge and he spilled tears all over Nico’s dark blue scrubs. “I-I killed him, I’m a terrible doctor” Levi sobbed into Nico’s neck. Nico stroked the young intern’s back while shushing him softly “You are an amazing doctor” he kissed Levi’s cheek softly “Now would you like to tell me what happened?” Nico pulled back slightly to look at Levi and wipe the remaining tears off his cheeks. Levi took a deep breath and told Nico every detail of the trauma case. 

Nico listened to him, occasionally muttering soft words of encouragement to keep going. “Baby, this was not your fault. No one could have seen that coming, not you, not me, not Hunt, no one. You did everything you could and that’s all that matters.” Nico looked genuine, offering Levi a small smile. “But I didn’t even inform the family, I just ran off like a coward” Levi admitted ashamed.

“You are not a coward Levi Schmitt, you are the most courageous man I have ever met. These conversations are never easy. I wasn’t able to talk to the family of the first ten patients that passed away in my care. You are here to learn and having bad news conversations is one of the hardest lessons in the medical field. You didn’t panic when the patient was in distress, you did anything and everything possible to save a life. You. are. badass.” Nico held Levi’s face in his hands and looked at him with a pure look of admiration.

Levi blushed and shrugged “I guess that’s partly true. I’m sorry you had to see this, I didn’t mean to be a crying mess” Levi fiddled with his hands, his eyes focussing on his lap. “How many times do I have to tell you that I love you Levi? I don’t care if you cry on me, sneeze on me or even puke on me. In sickness and health and all that. You will always be my Levi” Nico gave him a soft kiss. Levi chuckled against Nico’s lips “I really don’t deserve you”.


End file.
